This week I moved from San Diego to Santa Cruz. It was a very abrupt move, although I knew for months that I would be moving, I had to leave earlier than expected and I felt like I didn't start to process it until now. I know I didn't say goodbye to many (perhaps any) of my friends in San Diego. I think it was because I didn't realize what the move meant. And I thought I was going to be able to visit more often than I actually will.
I had the strongest pangs of sadness this morning when I realized that I can no longer drive an hour to see my sister and her family. I almost cried thinking about my mom and how badly I wanted to eat a simple lunch with her. I miss making stupid jokes with my brother. I miss my family in San Diego in the house by the big drainage canal we so fondly called the "murder ditch." I miss laughing with my love everyday, although he is only an hour away and we see each other as often as possible. I could just cry thinking about it all.
I think I have been in a slight depression for a while where my loneliness was clouding my eyes from seeing reality. I don't know why I didn't recognize the loneliness until recently. It seemed like I had a lot of good relationships going on, but when I took a second look I noticed that I don't quite let anyone in.
I wasn't registering the feelings of those around me very well. All I could really think about was my own sadness, and I was fixating on how to get that feeling away. The failure I felt everyday when I felt that emotion stick to me made it worse. I didn't want to ask for help and I was in denial about it all.
It takes a lot to recognize these feelings, and most times you need someone in your life who is brave enough to talk to you about it. Try to be brave, you have it in you.
I don't know what I mean to do with this post, but I do want to say I love you to my special people and I am sorry that I haven't been the best at keeping up or being a friend.
If you've been feeling blue for a while and you can't seem to cheer up, maybe find someone to talk to - and if you really need someone, talk to me.
Have a good one,